Sex Ed With The Soma's
by Kitten The Kokeshi Doll
Summary: Songfic to 'Reproduction' in Grease 2. Hatori is forced to teach sex ed at the gang's school. A little bit of crack.


Sex Ed With The Soma's

Songfic to Grease 2's Reproduction, anything sung is in italics  
Inspired by a galaxy chocolate bar and 'OMG MOMIJI'S A BUNNY'

Hatori sighed as he entered the doors of Kaibara high school. Sometimes being a doctor was not as fun as Ayame liked to pretend. This was one of those times, somehow Akito had decided that the zodiac all had to be taught Sex Ed by Hatori… why they couldn't just have notes written to get them out of class bewildered the doctor, but he'd reluctantly agreed.  
"Ah Mr Soma. You'll be taking classes 2 and 3, we thought it best they learn together." Said a teacher ushering him into a classroom. "Class, this is Mr Soma." There was a snicker as various heads turned towards Yuki, Kyo, Hatsuharu and Momiji. Yuki buried his head in his hands, Haru stared determinedly out the window, Momiji turned scarlet and Kyo growled at his desk. Tohru however, oblivious to her friends' embarrassment, sent Hatori a happy smile and a wave.  
"Uh… okay very well then." He adjusted his tie. "If we could all turn to the chapter in your books about reproduction." There was an excitable murmur from the crowd.

"I think my book's defective, all it's got are pictures of flowers." Said a boy almost disappointedly. Hatori nodded.  
"Yes, it's meant to… now before we begin are there any questions?" A girl in the front raised her hand.  
"Yes Miss… Kuragi." He said, checking his name sheet. Machi Kuragi.  
"Are you related to the Soma's in this class?" She asked innocently.  
"Machi." Groaned Yuki. Machi smirked at him.  
"Distantly." Hatori said curtly. "But that's genealogical you'll be studying that at a later date with your usual teacher." He turned as drew a diagram on the board. "This should match the one in your books." He said. Kyo muttered  
"Kill me."  
"_The parts of a flower are so constructed that very, very often the wind will cause pollination_." Hatori said, tapping each part of the flower. His voice was almost a singing voice, not quite but almost.  
"_If not, then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation_." His voice went up an octave.  
"_Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistil's right on the list_." He noticed none of his class were paying attention, most of them looking bored, or sleeping, so he decided to stir it up a little bit.  
"_I'll try to make it crystal-clear:  
The flower's insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery_!" He almost sang. Several of the girls looked at him, now curious.

"_Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma_." The boys paid attention to the word 'lust'  
"_And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma_!" He tapped his nose with his teaching stick seeing the boys react also to the word 'orgy'  
"_We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class_?" He asked. Tohru raised her hand. "Yes Tohru?"  
"_A photo-periodic reaction_!" She said proudly. "Yuki taught me." She smiled and Yuki banged his head on the desk.  
"_Oh, that's good, that's very good_." Hatori praised.  
"_Hey, I'm lost where are we_?" Haru asked, he'd been distracted by the pictures of naked ladies a few pages on.  
"_Chapter 2_" Fielded Momiji "_page 5_..." The entire class stood up and began to join in this impromptu singsong. Apart from Momiji who sat in his seat rocking side to side and humming happily.

"_Reproduction, reproduction_!" They chanted. Tohru naively joined in with:  
"_Put your pollen tube to work._" She had no idea of course how it could be taken the wrong way.  
"_Reproduction, reproduction_!" The boys and the girls teamed up on opposite sides of the room.  
"_Make my stamen go berserk_." Hana said smirking, climbing onto the desk with Uo, and doing a strange little dance.  
"_Reproduction_!" Everyone joined in.  
"_I don't think they even know what a pistil is_!" Laughed Uo, bending down and tapping Kyo on the nose.  
"_I got your pistil right here_…" Kyo snapped.  
"_Where does the pollen go_?" Asked Momiji innocently, like Tohru he too was unaware of the sexual innuendo ripe in the minds of the teenage classroom.

"Can everyone please be seated?" Hatori asked, slightly shocked at how his class were behaving. Everyone sat down, many still humming, letting their teacher continue  
"_Next chapter, now in an abstract way, the same thing applies  
To the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms_." Hatori informed them, signalling that they turn the pages. Haru was back to his naked ladies pictures.  
"_But now we are dealing with sexual response_." There were several giggles.  
"_Are there any questions before we begin reading_?" He asked, knowing that teenagers were generally inquisitive. To his surprise Kyo raised his hand, and without being called on sang, looking at Tohru.

"_Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch  
Could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it_?"  
"That's a definite." Muttered Hatori seeing Tohru look innocently clueless.  
"_When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater  
Starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it_?" Yuki asked glancing at Machi who was twirling her hair, smirking as she did so.  
"_Can't prove it by me, cause they change their tune  
When you got 'em in the back seat_." Haru joined in glad Rin didn't attend Kaibara.  
"_With his heart beatin' fast_!" joined in a boy named Reizo  
"_They make it sound like a track meet, gross_!" Hana and Tohru said at the same time, Tohru looked offended but Hana seemed to find the whole thing amusing.  
"_Yeah, then all they can do is say "**No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no**!"_" Haru, Kyo and Yuki said together covering imaginary breasts and pulling down imaginary skirts their 'no's' were in high pitched overly feminine voices. The girls pouted.

"_Reproduction, reproduction_!" Everyone sang.  
"_Baby, give it to me now_." Uo was standing on the desk again, she sang in a male voice impersonating Kyo and thrust her hips towards the boys, mimicking their lust.  
"_Reproduction, reproduction_!"  
"_Is that all you think about_?" Scolded Hana hands on her hips crossing to the boys side of the room with a strut that suggested it's what they ought to be thinking about.  
"_Reproduction_!"  
"_Come on baby show me that you really love me so_!" Hana, Machi, Uo and Tohru demanded each putting on their cutest eyes.  
"_Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw up!_" Kyo said pulling a disgusted face at their sycophancy  
"_Where does the pollen go_?" Asked Momiji again as Hatori forced everyone back to their seats. He had to actually pull Uo off the table exasperatedly.  
"Sit down!" Hatori barked.

"_The human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring.  
Any comments on this_?" Hatori asked, looking tired. He desperately wanted a cigarette. Tohru's friend Hana, small and gothic reached up and curled her fingers around his tie.  
"Yeah can you tell me where she lives?" Asked Haru pointing at a lady in the sex ed book  
"_Mr. Soma, is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all_," She simpered climbing onto the desk on her knees provocatively.  
"_Carry some protection with them for sexual occasions_?" She sang smirking at his shocked/appalled look she let go of his tie as Haru chimed in.  
"_What's the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book  
Where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration_?" He shrugged, girls made things so complicated.  
"Protection is always key…" Started Hatori but Uo was already on her feet again, facing off with Haru.  
"_Oh, that's really neat! Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh_?" She demanded growling.  
"_Yeah_!" Yelled Hana, glaring at Kyo  
"_Yeah_!" Yelled Machi, eyeing Yuki.  
"_Yeah_!" Tohru and Momiji harmonized excitedly, glad to be part of the action.  
"That's enough!" Hatori said frowning.

"_Reproduction, reproduction_!"  
"_Hope he's proud of what he's done_!" Uo said shoving a textbook and pencil case under Tohru's school shirt and glowering at Haru. The girls all put their hands on Tohru's 'bump' nurturing it as though it were an unborn baby.  
"Oh god." Muttered Hatori sinking into his seat and kneading his temples.  
"_Reproduction, reproduction_!"  
"_He was only pokin' fun_!" Kyo said, smacking Tohru on the butt. She blushed and batted at him.  
"_Reproduction_!"  
"_See what happens when a boy and girl  
Don't know how to play it safe_." Haru smiled, shoving his cousin, Momiji to the front of the class, there was a moment of silence before everyone snickered at the small (horrified) looking blond boy.  
"I was NOT an accident." Momiji pouted folding his arms, cutely.

"_Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction, reproduction!  
Reproduction_!" Everyone sang together the girls and the boys switching alternate harmonies then Momiji, whose question had been ignored all day, climbed onto Haru's shoulders to speak, yelling  
"_Where does the pollen go_?" He demanded. Hatori sighed, settling everyone as the bell rang. As everyone filtered out, giggling or humming he began to rub his illustrations off the board. However a girl hung back and approached him shyly.  
"Mr Soma… I skipped my last two periods." She said worriedly.  
"It's okay." He yawned. "You can make them up after school." She blushed and hurried from the room as the realization of what had been said struck the doctor.  
"I don't get paid enough for this." He mumbled to himself.

A/n: Haha sorry this plot bunny's been in my head too long to ignore.


End file.
